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Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment. ~Woody Allen On Indians ...check it 4 urselves if he is right. :), ;)Current GVFSUP eZine |
| Messages @ outlookindia.com/free speech |
Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM
stupid dubya, gwb, george bush, moron, the simpsons, madtv, woody allen, bodhii( 1 of 265 )1. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly 2. If you are Co-Dependant, plaese ask someone to press 2 for you now.... 3. If you have Multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 4. If You are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want...stay on the line so we can trace your call 5. If you are Delusional, press 7 and your call will be tansferred to the mother ship... 6. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press 7. If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer anyway... 8. if you are Dyslexic, press 969696969696969696969696 9. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and pound keys until a representative comes on the line... 10. If you have anmesioa, ress 9 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers maiden name.. 11. if you have Bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep or after the beep.... 12. if you have short term memory lost press 9 if you have short term memory lost press 9 if you have short term memory lost press 9 if you have short term memory lost press 9 and last but not least:
Thank you and have a nice day. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 2 of 265 )
Truth to tell, I hung up. First the earthquake, and then my psychiatrist behaving like a comedian. |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 3 of 265 )
Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. Hiya shoki, lemme guess. Your name is Ashok, eh? You are one cool dude, man. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 4 of 265 )
Why, thank you, Prem. We aim to please. Here's another one on the US electiions. Maybe I should put this in the rock songs or the International section, but this one cracked me up and had me singing all day. FLORIDIAN RHAPSODY To the tune of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody"... Is this the real vote? Is this just fantasy?
Bush:
Mama, just love this ranch
Gore:
Guitar solo, then bouncy piano interlude Gore:
Chorus:
Bush:
Chorus (Republicans only):
Bush:
Rockin' guitar solo Gore:
Rockin' guitar solo gives way to orchestral
Chorus:
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 5 of 265 )
Bizarre Condom Names 1. Billy Boy (Germany)
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 6 of 265 )
World's First Sikh Virus DEAR RECEIVER, You have just received a Sikh virus. Since we Surds are not so technologically advanced this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself
and send this mail
Thank you very much for helping me. Prit Paal Singh Hacker
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 7 of 265 )
HOW TO SING THE BLUES by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin) 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not
in Hawaii or any place in
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator is chomping on it is. 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues:
Bad places:
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 8 of 265 )
contd. from last message: 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
No, if:
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline,
it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women:
17. Some Blues names for men:
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") 20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 9 of 265 )
Is any of you even reading it, or am I just talking to myself. No one else has anything fun to share? |
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| rav6661/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 10 of 265
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Shoki, u gotta leave pal, coz it's time to go home :-) |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 11 of 265
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Wot fun! There is someone out there. Hello Rev, you like? |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 12 of 265
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Dear Shoki, You've really cracked me up. Are you working for Outlook? I must compliment them on having chosen a guy with a great sense of humor. Great collection so far. Here's one that's had me cackling all day. Slightly risque, but what the hell: Apartment for Rent
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied;
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: "Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 13 of 265
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Dear Gayathri, That was hilarious but I worry about the licentious ribaldry that might ensue as a result thereof! Remember, I warned you. But no, I do not work for Outlook. You think they'd hire me if I presented your reference? But, hey, thanks, I aim to please. Are you still logged in? I have to go right now but
here's something which I received in mail some time back. Whaddya say?
--Curt Anderson We dine at Adorno and return to my Beauvoir.
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 14 of 265
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Don't Stop Now, You are killing me! (really. this, incidentally is a book on masochistic behavior I ended up buying impulsively.) |
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| mangal1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 15 of 265
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Shoki, Gayathri: You guys are amazing - nothing like a little humor to set one up for the weekend - a great way to end a Friday!! Let me dig into my collection to see what I can come up with. Later. MS |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 16 of 265
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Santa Singh was walking the other day and came across a banana peel on the road. Guess what he thought? "Saala aaj bhi girna padega..." |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 17 of 265
)
This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was cool, and didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally one day he musters up the courage to ask her if, y'know, like, maybe they could start up a, um, physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game, and a very nice sexual relationship esnued. Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy goes to Cindy and says, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor." Cindy replied "Okay," and he says, "Can I borrow your eyebrowpencil?" Cindy looks at him a little funny, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil." The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay."And so the guy draws a moustache on her. Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his clothes. Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?" Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you can call me Fred." So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts "Fred You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!!!" |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 18 of 265
)
Windows is a thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit micro-processor written by a two-bit company that couldn't stand one bit of competition. Douglas R Jacobson, Apple developer |
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| cram1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 19 of 265
)
shoki somehow i get the feeling we once met in a smokey saloon, sipping whiskey on the rocks, listening to Screamin' Jay Hawkins, or was it Blind Willie Jefferson. the how-to guide to the blues was...u know what i am thinking. am gonna keep visiting this 'hood, mama. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 20 of 265
)
cram, i'll be lookin' for you, mama! Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the english language is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which by just its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck), or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), or a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). It should be obvious now that there are not many words as versatile as "fuck." Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations: Fraud: I got fucked by my insurance agent.
It can be used in descriptive anatomy - He's a fucking
asshole.
Today tell someone "Fuck You." |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 21 of 265
)
Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" Descartes replies, "I think not." --and he disappears. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 22 of 265
)
The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one day. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was reading the Bible. Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, "What's a four letter word for `woman' ending in ..u..n..t?" The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said, "Uh.. er.. aunt! Yes, aunt!" "Oh, of course. Got an eraser?" |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 23 of 265
)
Satwinder Kaur was teaching her biology class, and quizzing them on last nights reading assignment. "Harsimran, can you tell me which organ in the human body can expand to several times its normal size?" asked Satwinder Kaur Harsimran giggled as if she were thinking of something unmentionable in class. "Sukhwinder, can you tell me?" asked Satwinder Kaur. "The Eye," said Sukhwinder.. "That's right," and Satwinder Kaur continued, "Harsimran, I'll tell you three things that are for sure." "First, you did not do your reading last night and that's for sure." "Second, you have a very dirty mind, and that's for sure." "And Third, you are going to be DAMN disappointed, and THAT'S FOR SURE." |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 24 of 265
)
It seems that a little girl and a little boy are arguing about differences between the sexes, he arguing that boys are inherently better and she that girls are. The subject, of course, spills over into the personal realm, so that the real issue is which of the two children is superior. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is quite clearly true. She turns and runs home. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants, and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!" |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 25 of 265
)
A wealthy young man's parents told him he must be married by his 25th birthday, in order to fulfill the terms of their joint will and get the money. This was a bit of a dilemma to him because he was dating three lovely young ladies and couldn't decide. As he had only one month, he came up with a plan. He gave each woman Rs 50,000 and told her she had a month to spend it. And, she could spend it any way she wanted. After the month he met with each. The first one said, "Well you know I love to shop, so I spent all of it on clothes!" "Fair enough," he replied, and took note of her decision. The second young woman said, "I think it's better to give than receive, so I gave all of my money to the Gujarat Relief Fund!" "Okay," said the young squire (noting to himself that she must work for Oxfam). Number three said, "You know I have a mind for saving, so I invested it in Infosys!" "Interesting," replied the gentleman, taking note of her keen financial acumen. So, which one did he choose? The one with big tits, of course! |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 26 of 265
)
A young couple (Satinder and Simran) agreed that if either of them were to ever die, the surviving one would attempt to make contact with the dead one exactly one year following the death. Satinder was killed in an automobile accident two years later. As agreed, Simran tried to make contact with him exactly one year later and succeeded. This is how the conversation went: Simran: How are things up there? Satinder: Oh, things are just wonderful. We get up every morning and make love. We then eat breakfast and make love some more. After lunch we usually take a nap then make love until supper then make love some more until we go to sleep. Then the next morning we start all over again. Simran: That is wonderful. I didn't know that heaven would be like that. Satinder: I'm not in heaven. I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!!! |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 27 of 265
)
There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals. The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick--you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again." The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied. The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes--why not go back and do it again?" The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time--you hold down the pigeon, and I'll shit on it...." |
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| Bulb1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 28 of 265
)
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. |
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| cram1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 29 of 265
)
shoki, fuck, man (amazement, disbelief), u are unstoppable. |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 30 of 265
)
Wot, no Shoki for more than 24 hours in these precincts? I'm getting withdrawl symptoms. (Fuck, I almost wrote "Fucking" between 'getting' and 'withdrawl' up there. Gotta watch what I say here.) TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES And, yes, they all really exist... 10. dam.mit.edu
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 31 of 265
)
A SMALL SINGH - SINGLET A SINGH WHO ENTERTAINS - AMUSING A SINGH MALE MODEL - POSING A SINGH FIGHTER - BOXING A SINGH JOHN TRAVOLTA - DANCING A SINGH WHO WALKS ON A TIGHT ROPE - BALANCING A SINGH WHO IS LOST - MISSING A SINGH WHO LIKES TO SING AT CAMPFIRES - SING-A-LONG A SINGH WHO IS NOISY - BEE-SING AN ANGRY SINGH AT A ROAD JUNCTION - CROSSING A SINGH WHO LIKES HERBS - GIN-SENG A SINGH WHO IS IN A TOLIET - PISSING A SINGH WHO IS HAPPY - REJOICING A SINGH WHO IS MUDDLED UP - CONFUSING A SINGH BASKETBALL PLAYER - BOUNCING A SINGH PHARMACIST - DISPENSING A SINGH CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN - EMBARRASSING A STUBBORN SINGH - REFUSING A FASTIDIOUS SINGH - FUSSING A SINGH WHO HAS LOST - LOSING A SINGH CHEF MAKING SALAD - TOSSING THE SINGH WHO KILLED MRS GANDHI -ASSASSIN A SINGH RECOVERING FROM AN OPERATION -CONVALESCING THE SINGH'S FAVOURITE POP SINGER - BARRY MANILOW
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| unknown1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 32 of 265
)
These were sent to me by my 12 year old nephew, so please excuse those who think it's too juvenile. Had me in splits all day: 1. What did the lonely banana say?
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| Shibani1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 33 of 265
)
1. What did the lonely banana say? I'm a"kela". 2. What did the green peas say? Nothing. They just "mutter"ed. 3. What did the potato say when it answered the phone ? "Aaloo?" 4. Where do cabbages hang out? In the Gobi desert. 5. What are call-boxes for ghosts called? B(h)ooths 6. What kind of sweaters do grapes wear? Angoora 7. What is a vegetables favourite love song? Love me tinda. 8. What did the flower say to its girl-friend? Why do phools fall in love? 9. What did the fat car say? I'm a mota car. 10. What did the confused egg say? I don't unda-stand. 11. Where do earrings go on holiday? Bali. 12. What do shrimps sing on Christmas? Jhinga Bells. 13. What did the half eaten naan say? I wish I was puri. 14. What did the lonely potato sing? " Aaloo lonesome tonight? " 15. What language do carrots speak? Gajarati. |
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| Shibani1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 34 of 265
)
Hey, what is wrong with this message board? I first put up a message and then I found out that I was logged out. And then when I put it up again, I find that it is showing message number 32 of 33 when there is no 32. Am I missing something? Or is some one out there superstitious about the number. I had heard about 13 being unlucky, but... |
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| rav6661/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 35 of 265
)
Note: This one is lifted from somewhere. But heck, aren't all these Internet jokes lifted from somewhere? The plight of Indian men
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere: A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed: A.One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. B.The two French men and the French woman are living happily together. C.The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. D.The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them. E.The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming. F.The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman. G.The two Irish men began by dividing up their part
of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery.
They do not
H.The two American men are contemplating suicide.The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the equal division of the household chores....... I.The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman. |
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| Lamba1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 36 of 265
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What did one wall say to the other? Let's meet at the corner. |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 37 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. Where is Shoki? |
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Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 38 of 265
)
Something, wrong, can't even edit the above list nor delete it. Anyway, here goes the rest:[ g ]
[ h ]
[ i ]
[ j ]
[ k ]
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Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 39 of 265
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The Canonical List of Band Names (contd.)[ l ] Lavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet Lickers Lawnsmell Lee Press-On and the Nails Lipstick Sandwich Lisa Gives Head Lovebucket & Slapphappy Super-fly Lubricated Goat Lung Mustard NEW! Luxury Christ [ m ]
[ n ]
[ o ]
[ p ]
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Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 40 of 265
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[ r ]Rainbow Butt Monkeys Rash of Stabbings NEW! Rats of Unusual Size Real Fucking Idiots NEW! Revolting Cocks Rhythm Method Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries Root Boy Slim and the Sex-Change Band with The Rootettes Rubber Nipple Salesmen Rugburns [ q ]
[ s ]
[ t ]
[ u ]
[ v ]
[ w ]
[ y ]
[ z ]
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| Shoki1/31/2001 12:16:45 AM ( 41 of 265 ) |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 42 of 265
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The Peculiar and the Profane These are names of actual bands, past and present. [ a ]
[ b ]
[ c ]
[ d ]
[ e ]
[ f ]
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 43 of 265
)
I think some background is called for, for the above. This is from my backpages, going through the contents of my old, old harddisk. Somehow I am feeling too lazy to even check out if the web page this was taken from (long, long back, in the first half of the lsat decade of the last millennium) still exists or not, though there is a google bar right on top of my screen. It even made it to the Useless WWW Pages site and was named Mediocre Site of the Day for January 21, 1996. The page owner was so, uh, proud. Or something. Nah, let's not get into the identity of that individual. And as he noted then, and I quote, "I'm tickled and touched that this site was named the "Julie Approved" Fabulous Site of the Day for March 4, 1996. But I still don't know who Julie is." And, oh, "The most frequently suggested band name
is Anal Cunt. Good God. What
I would love to hear more from people of that era (if they are still alive) and happen to be visiting these pages) |
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| Bulb1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 44 of 265
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Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. |
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| Bulb1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 45 of 265
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George W. Bush was invited to the White House for a foreign policy orientation session. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal. The next day Laura Bush had lunch with a group of female Senators. She told Hillary Clinton how impressed W. had been with his discovery that the President had a gold urinal in his private bathroom. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone". |
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| sifar1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 46 of 265
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Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because.... 7 8 9. |
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| jaga1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 47 of 265
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When stoning men and women for adultery (adultery meaning another man's property, one of his wives, has been tampered with), the offending male is to stand in a clearing while people throw stones at him till he dies. If he runs away, escaping, he's safe. Death sentence over. But a woman to be stoned is put in a pit, waist/chest high, for "decency." Imagine a "decent" stoning. Wouldn't want to see any naughty bits of her body while you're bashing her bloody! Tsk, tsk! Of course escape for her is impossible, isn't it? These still take place, in some countries, as I write |
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| khalisa1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 48 of 265
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Coca Cola An insect falls in a mug of Coca Cola. This is what folks from different countries do... ENGLISHMAN: throws the mug away and walks out!
INDIAN: accuses Pakistan of helping the insect to
in filter
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| arjun1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 49 of 265
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Joke of the Moment Genie
"Hmmmm", the Pakistani asks, "I'm very curious. Please
tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150
feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds India. Nothing can get
in or out."
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| khalisa1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 50 of 265
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homesick An Indian US citizen goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, he has a headache. Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does. He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before. The Indian man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he has to go home, shit and piss into a plastic bag and leave it in his basement for a week. "Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work." The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says, "Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from India before, "says the doctor. "You were just homesick!" |
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| khalisa1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 51 of 265
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Q & A Q. Why do indian women wear red dots on their foreheads? A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target.... Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation? A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem..... Q. Does India have cars?
Q. Does India have TV?
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
Q. How come you speak English so well?
Q. Are you a Hindi?
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate
regularly?
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning
coals. Why do they do that?
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
Q. How do you celebrate Thanksgiving in India?
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| khalisa1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 53 of 265
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Microsoft Bill Gates was in India a few days ago. He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi. Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi version of... Khidkiyan97: Phaail = File Bachao = Save Aise Bachao = Save as Subko Bachao = Save All Mujhe Bachao = Help Dhoondo = Find Firse Dhoondo = Find Again Hilao = Move Daak = Mail Daakiya = Mailer Paas se dhekho = Zoom Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out Kholo = Open Bandh Karo = Close Naya = New Khatara = Old Badli Karo = Replace Bhaago = Run Chhaapo = Print Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview Kaapi = Copy Kaato = Cut Kato = Stupid Houseguest Chipkao = Paste Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special Goli Maaro = Delete Nazaara = View Hathiyaar = Tools Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit Ped = Tree Thooso = Compress Chooha = mouse Tik-Tik Karo = Click Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar Cheers ! |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 54 of 265
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We have our famous friend Santa Singh qualifying for the hotseat in Kaun Banega Crorepati..... Amitabh Bachchan: OK Santa I congratulate you. Santa: Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fatah. Chak denge phatte aaj. Tusi start karo ji. Amitabh Bachchan: OK Santa this is your first question for Rs 1000: Which state has the largest Sikh population ? and your options are: A. Punjab B. Punjab C. Punjab D. Punjab Santa: Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question? Amitabh Bachchan: Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time. Santa (giggles): Sirji, tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like to use my lifeline: aadiance poll. Amitabh Bachchan: OK audience, please be ready with your voting pads, and your time starts now. After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board. A. 25% B. 25% C. 25% D. 25% Amitabh Bachchan: Santaji, this is a not a good situation for you, I can share your disgust here. Par kya karen janta to janardhan hoti hai. Santa: Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya sirji aapki audience ne. I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50. Amitabh Bachchan: Very good 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. Man me shanka ho to lifeline zaroor istemal karni chahiye, mein sab ko yehi salah deta hoon. OK computerji, Santa Singh ji ke liye in chaar mein se do galat jawab mita diye jayen. Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab Santa: Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein chhodoonga nahi aaj isko. Mereko third lifeline bhi chahiye. Amitabh Bachchan: Kamaal hai Santaji, I must congratulate you. You have broken a record of using all the lifelines in the very first question. This is great. OK, phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahenge aap? Santa: My one and only one mera langotiya yaar, Banta Singh. Amitabh Bachchan: OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. Aap dono ikkathe he kam karte hai? Santa: Oh nahi ji ham dono pechle 6 saal se 10th mein fail ho rahe hain . Badi pakki yaari hai ji hamari. Phone rings. Banta picks it " Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adi raati, bhain chod???" Amitabh Bachchan: Hello Bantaji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke Kaun Banega Crorepati se. Banta: OOOOOOOOOO Bachchan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein ? maan bhain ik kar deta. Aaap jii dii to khair koi bhain hai hee nayii. Hor jii, Kee hal chal ne? Amitabh Bachchan: Mein thik hoon Bantaji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur................. Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gaya hoga, khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji. Amitabh Bachchan : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............. chaliye mein aapko special case ke tarah treat karte hue ek minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab. Santa: Oye Bante ke ho raya hai yaar?? Banta: Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dudwala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen gaya bhainchod, ullu da pattha. Amitabh Bachchan: Santaji, kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai. Santa: Yes, yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ..................... (He reads out the question). Banta: Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer guess nahi kar sakda si? . Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe . Mainu lagda hai to Punjab hi bol den. Ik minute, main bharjai nu puuchh ke das daa haan. Bharjai says, Oye, of course Punjaaab hai hor ki! Banta: Pucca? Bharjai: Aaho ji. Santa: Oye par ......... (and the clock stops). Amitabh Bachchan: Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai, ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se kam Rs 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj. Santa: Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai! |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 55 of 265
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NAMES OF PAKISTANI ORGANIZATIONS: Association of people who lost in love: Harkat-Ul-Gumgeen Association of people ordered by doctors to reduce their salt intake : Harkat-Ul-Namkeen Association of chinese food lovers : Harkat-Ul-Chowmein Association of Hindus in Karachi : Harkat-Ul-Gungadeen Association of early risers : Harkat-Ul-Sade-Teen Association of terrorists planning attacks on Delhi Railway Stations : Harkat-Ul-Nizamuddin |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 56 of 265
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Indians have just landed on moon. Pakistanis are upset. Dr Abdul Sattar, Pakistani Minister of Space Technology, is holding a Press Conference. Dr Sattar : Don't think India has beaten us yet. They have gone only to moon. We shall soon land on sun. Journalist : But, how can you do that, Dr Sattar? Sun is so hot, and there is so much radiation. Dr Sattar : Don't worry. We will land at night. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 57 of 265
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Once Lallu Prasad Yadav inaugurated a shelter for buffaloes and posed with the buffaloes for a photograph which appeared in the newspaper. The caption? Lallu Prasad Yadav, third from left. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 58 of 265
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On 14th November (Children's Day in memory of Nehru) the teacher asked little Santa Singh, 'Oye Santa, why 14th November is celebrated as Children's day?' He replied with a smirk, 'Because it is 9 months after Valentine's Day! |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 59 of 265
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Pakistan Maths Exam Paper HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM Name: _____________________________
Ayub has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each village, how many villages can he cover before he has to reload? Irshad has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Salim for $320, and 2 grams to Mukhtar for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining caine that he doesn't cut? Irshad wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal? Abdul gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800? Rashid is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If one of his four wives is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money? |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 60 of 265
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This was in 1988 during Rajiv Gandhi and Zial Haq days. Once when RG went to Pakistan on a state visit , ZH showed him the state of the art telephone system of Pakistan. RG even made a call to hell and spoke to his mother Indira Gandhi for about 10 minutes. The bill came to just 1 pakistani rupee. RG was highly impressed by Pakistan's telephone system and after coming back to India ordered the ministry of communications to come up with equally good system in record time so that he too can show it to ZH when he makes a return visit to India after a couple of months. Indeed when ZH came to India , RG showed him the telephone system. ZH spoke to Bhutto in hell for about 10 minutes. The bill came to 300 indian rupees. ZH made a sarcastic remark about the cost of the call to hell being so expensive . RG was furious and wanted to know why the call to hell was so expensive. The engineers immediately came up with the reason. A call to hell from India is a long distance call,but from Pakistan its a local call only. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 61 of 265
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One taxi driver in Lahore to another, "Did you hear that the Pakistan government bought a thousand septic tanks?" The other driver replied, "Yes, and as soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade India." |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 62 of 265
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During the 1971 Indo-Pak war, the Paki Air Marshall Yaya Khan was trying to train a novice Paki pilot. He took the novice to the fighter plane and said "Do you see this red button?" 'Yes sir' replied the novice' 'Ok' Said Yaya, 'to start the engine, you have to press it.' 'Now do you see this green button?' 'Yes sir' replied the novice. 'Pressing the green button makes the plane fly' 'Ok sir' said the novice 'but how do I bring the plane down?' Pat came the reply 'Don't worry, the Indian air force will take care of that!' |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 63 of 265
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A Pakistani politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?" The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" "Yes" "Can you see the bridge over it?" "Of course", said the minister. "10 percent", said the senator smugly. Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Pakistani minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees", he asked. The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?" "Sure", cried the senator. "Can you see the bridge over it?" The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said "No, I don't see any bridge." "100 percent", said the minister. |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 64 of 265
)
Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to US. Laloo arrives in full grandeur. Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the White house, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English. Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out. The whole country and its economy has come to a standstill, and press, news reporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome. At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo beaming his resplendant white smile, looking cool and unruffled. However, Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face. The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton ?" Bill replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !" |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 65 of 265
)
Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. Laloo becomes PM and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with General Saab. They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes. Laloo then emerges from the room. Reporters clamour for a statement. "General Saab will make the announcement" is all Laloo will say. Mushi Uncle comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached! The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours. "Sab Akai TV-waalon ka kamaal hai," says Laloo. "Woh kehte hain na, TV loge to fridge doonga, video khareedein to cellphone free... to ham bhi Musharrad Saab se keh diye: `aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!'" |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 66 of 265
)
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in Pakistan no writer is important, and in India you have to explain what a writer is. |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 67 of 265
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If Indians can't live without Kashmir, why aren't they dead already? |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 68 of 265
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In India, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 69 of 265
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India is one long expectoration. |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 70 of 265
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Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment. - - - Woody Allen(about Indians) |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 71 of 265
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India, the heart of a rabbit in the body of a lion. The jaws of a serpent, in an abode of popinjays. |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 72 of 265
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India, the diseased world's bathhouse |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 73 of 265
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In India, a low caste man is called reactionary if he objects to having his property stolen and his wife and children murdered by brahmins. |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 74 of 265
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His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. ...William J. Clinton (about AB Vajpayee) |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 75 of 265
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A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity. ..Pamela Anderson about AB Vajpayee. |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 76 of 265
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"Being attacked by them is like being savaged by a dead sheep". (a millitant about the Indian crack down in Asam) |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 77 of 265
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Hindu banya is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time. |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 78 of 265
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"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?" (AB Vajpayee to Uma Bharti) |
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| dmsingh1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 79 of 265
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Hey, what the f@ck - I thought this was for jokes and the like. Bubka, if you insist on posting anti-India cr@p, could you please at least make it funny. Go back and look at some of the other posts Best regards. DMS |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 80 of 265
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Well Mr dmsingh it is funny. If you dont have a good sense of humour then i cant cure that. Please note that these are just jokes and nothing else. So your rant about it being anti India is hereby summarily ignored. |
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| rav6661/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 81 of 265
)
We are having a dispute on whether some thing is funny or not?????? This beats the Kashmir dispute....... |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 82 of 265
)
Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. Even at the cost of seeming like an ill-humoured patriot and an advocatory of curtailing the right of free speech, I vote that the above (Message Nos 66 to 78) - should we, call them examples of Bub’s shiny wit - oops that might be construed as a spoonerism - be removed or put into one message. No problems with jokes aimed at Indians and maybe something is wrong with my sense of humour too, rav666, but I think that these are not funny. Granted, the mileages on this will vary from person to person. Perhaps we should have a thread on “Indo-Pak Cyber Wars” sort of like the Hindu/Muslim one where all the fundies and zealots can be asked to stay. I have written to the freespeech host earlier also, and am repeating it again for an IGNORE USER feature in the Preferences, so that if I do not want to read the shiny wit - or whiney shit - of some of the more active cut-and-paste participants, I can happily ignore them. What does the majority think? |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 83 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. The trouble with most of those, er, witticisms is that they are at best paraphrasings of picked-up quotes from various people and attributed arbitrarily to someone or the other. I have no problem with Uma Bharati or Atal Vajpayee made fun of, but what I have a problem with is when Pamela Anderson is attributed a quote from whoever. Total naansense this. |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 84 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. I think more than anyone else we must first ask for Shoki's views on this since he's the one who posted some great ones on this and it'd be a pity to see this thread go the way of the discussions on Ayodhya etc. |
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| Preeti1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 85 of 265
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Whew, Prem I don't believe it. You are almost sounding sane nowadays! I could not agree more with both these suggestions. Good idea to have IGNORE USER feature and I think even better that all those users who coincidentally seem to be Pakistani lumpen not be allowed to vitiate the atmosphere. I do not mind reading a good rant against India or Pakistan but it's rather silly to find it in areas where they have no connection really. |
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| rav6661/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 86 of 265
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Though it's true that these zealots have derailed lively discussions on most of the threads, i would hate to recommend any kind of censoring. We will have to be able to post even those ideas that might not be well received by Mr.Vinod Mehta & co. Well, an 'ignore' button seems fine - it'll help in closing our eyes to these posts (like one of those Gandhi's three monkeys). But i'd like to see these posts - they betray the immaturity of bub (and his friends) and it's highly amusing. (Pamela Anderson's take on Indians is the height of it) And, let's face it - there were a lot of anti-Pak jokes (posted by Shoki) which may not be received very well even by moderate Pakis. |
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| Preeti1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 87 of 265
)
Rav666, I think it's not a question of whether a joke is anti-India or anti-Pakistan. The point is that it should be a joke and not just some ridiculous old, leaking hatred aphorisms picked up randomly and posted in the name of being a good one, heard lately. I think even the likes of you and me are spoiling the atmosphere by this exchange here. We should move these discussions about discussions elsewhere. The Free Speech Host actually wrote back to me some days back to say that this site is still under construction and hasn't been advertised yet. Hopefully the quality of participants would be better than what we have on display here. I am not recommending censoring either but only suggesting that Prem's idea of putting them all in one message might not be a bad idea so that those who come to these areas for the first time only end up reading the jokes and not vague ones passed off as those. |
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| Preeti1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 88 of 265
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I read somewhere that bubka is not pakistani. that's okay. so he feels like saying things against india that he considers funny. that's okay too. all i am saying is that he's not funny in the least. it'd be nice to be able to log in here and read only well-chosen jokes that are actually funny. Shoki, Gayathri and even Prem posted some neat ones I think. I'd hate to see this area become juvenile. Now I'd shut up. |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 89 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. I don'tfuckingbelieve it! Preeti, you and I think somuch alike! |
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| Bubka1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 90 of 265
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Well Mr Prem, Runing away eh? Is that what you are good at? well may be.. |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 91 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. bub, i'm so glad you do not have to be explained the meaning of spoonerisms, you shiny wit! |
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| Preeti1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 92 of 265
)
Wow, this is almost like chat, with all of logged in at the same time. Where are the Hindu zealots, though? Perhaps too tired after the Valentine Day rioting, eh? |
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| Preeti1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 93 of 265
)
Whew, Prem, you actually can make me laugh. Okay here are some goofy ones my younger sister sent me from school. Can you believe this is what they do in computer ed. cloasses: Q. What is smarter, longitude or latitude?
Q. What do a therapist and a cartographer have in
common?
Q. What do you call a map showing the heights of
leafy-stemmed perennial herbs measured in centimeters?
Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?
Q. What kind of projection do 3 out of 4 ear, nose,
and throat specialists prefer?
Q. What do you get when you cross a cowboy with a
mapmaker?
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?
Q. Why does west longitude need to be cheered up?
Q. What do you call a man with a 1970’s Russian map
in his hand?
Q. What do you call a globe-shaped bottle in which
you grow plants?
Q. What do a row of Bacardi bottles and a loxodrome
have in common?
Q. Why did the equator win the MVP (most valuable
parallel) award at the Latitude Super Bowl?
Q. What did the mapmaker send his sweetheart on Valentine’s
Day?
Q. Why did the dot go to college?
Q. Why weren’t there any parallels on the map?
Q. What do you call a USGS quadrangle with green
water, blue forests, and all the names spelled backwards?
Knock, knock....who’s there....Alaska....Alaska who?....Alaska later, right now I’m trying to read the map!!... |
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 94 of 265
)
I couldn't agree more with you Preeti and Prem. I also vote that the messages of bubka be removed to a different thread or be all put into one. They are not funny and stand out like sore thumbs in an otherwise great collection so far. I could come here only to read the jokes. |
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| dmsingh1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 95 of 265
)
Methinks Bubka is getting his posts mixed up. Evidently, the shiny wit(that's a good one , Prem) posts stuff on the "Hindu vs. Muslim" discussion as well - so, it seems as if the jokes are going there and the non-jokes are coming here. Please do disabuse me if I am in error. Here's an old one - but it does get a chuckle or two... A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture
when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards
him.
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of
the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man
Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant," says the shepherd. "This is correct," says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?" "Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although
nobody
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 96 of 265
)
That's a good one, dmsingh. i read the one about coke and indians. i heard another variation on it: An insect falls into a mug of beer... Englishman:Throws his mug away and walks out
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 97 of 265
)
SINDHIS A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 98 of 265
)
BENGALI An armed Bengali? A Gungoli A talkative Bengali? Bulbul Chatterjee An outlawed Bengali? Kanoon Banerjee An enlightened Bengali? Jyoti Basu A Bengali who works? A work of fiction A stupid Bengali girl? Balika Buddhu A Bengali marriage? Bedding A Bengali voyeur? Keyhollo A mad Bengali? In Sen A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? Kalidas Guha A dark Bengali who lives in a cave and wears black Kurta? Kalidas Guhathakurta A Bengali mobster? Robin Ganguli A perfumed Bengali? Chandan Dass What's bigger than the state of Bengal? The Bay of Bengal What's bigger than the Bay of Bengal? The Bengali Ego When does a Bengali sound like a dog? When he says wow (bow) Why was the Bengali fired from being salesman at Raymond's retailsstore? Everytime someone asked him what the material was, he replied "Terrybool". An angry Bengali letter? Chitti-chitti Bong Bong A Bengali goldsmith? Shonar Bongla What does a ghati say when a Bengali burps? Mukhopadryay What do you call a Bengali who doesn t eat fish? Ahilsa |
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 99 of 265
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1.What is a gay Maharashtrian called? - Deccan Queen |
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 100 of 265
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We've all heard of ABCD or American Born Confused Desis, but what about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ? American Born Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujarat, Housed In Jersey, Keeping lotsa Motels, Named Omkarnath Patel, Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet Zestful. |
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 101 of 265
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Amitabh: what is the company I owned known as: A)ACBL B)ABCL C)ALCB D)ACLB Respondent: B.. ABCL
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 102 of 265
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Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.) Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass). |
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| Sarfraz1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 103 of 265
)
Is this how your Ramayan goes, I believe the story of your God. This is what was narrated to me by an Indian friend: So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kindofa pain and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something...since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..he decided to get his wife and his bro along..you know...so that they could all chill out together. But DUDE, the forest was reeeeaaaall scary shit..really man..they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude,Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows...so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (sita) and lures her away to his hood. ANd boy, was our man, and also his bro, Lakshman, pissed..And you DON't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him.. So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys..dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys..just go along with me, ok..so, Ram, Laksh. and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest...and anyways...it gets kind of boring, you konw...no TV or mall or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home...and when the people realize that, like, our dude, his bro and the wife are back home...they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days...so they couldn't take him out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was priitttty cool...you know with all those fireworks..really, they even had some local musicians play along with the fireworks.. and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, I kid you not, that was the very first music-synkronized fireworks...you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, THAT was how, like, this festival started. Diwali rocks, maaannn. |
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 104 of 265
)
Two Pakistanis were travelling in a plane; one sat in the window seat and the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Indian boarded and took the aisle seat. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said, "I think I'll go and get a coke." "No problem," said the Indian, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Paki picked up the Indian's shoe and spat in it. When the Indian returned with the coke, the other Pakistani said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the Paki picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Indian returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight... As the plane was landing, the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes and immediately knew what had transpired. "How long must this go on?" he wailed, "this enmity between our people ... this hatred ... this animosity ... this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes..." |
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| Shabnam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 105 of 265
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1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? Ans: Thaka Lee 2) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?
3) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie
is over ?
4) What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name?
5) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast?
6) Bruce Lee's favorite festival
7) Bruce Lee's favorite Actress
8) Bruce Lee's favorite Music
9) What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
10) When did Bruce Lee die?
11) How did Bruce Lee die?
12) What is Bruce Lee's favourite hill station?
13) What is Bruce Lee's favourite game?
14) What is Bruce Lee's favourite Pepper?
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| MonicaBL1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 106 of 265
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The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life 1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
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| MonicaBL1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 107 of 265
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Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An On-Line Affair 10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. 5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software". 4. Lipstick on the mouse. 3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt. 1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. |
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| MonicaBL1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 108 of 265
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and
went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend
awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. Someone has stolen our tent." |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 109 of 265
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Wow, this is really growing. Reading through the contributions from various people, I'd think Mr. Bubka would agree himself that his lot doesn't really belong here. Maybe in the Indo-Pak Hate area or some such. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 110 of 265
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Speech Impediment Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. Loki said, "Shoki, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'." |
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| MonicaBL1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 111 of 265
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Smoking A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks,
and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?" |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 112 of 265
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But, Monica, this is really growing! |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 113 of 265
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A middle-aged man and woman met, fell in love and got married. On their wedding night they settled into the bridal suite and the wife said to her new husband, "Please promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin." "But how can that be?" the startled husband said. "You've been married three times before." "Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God, I miss |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 114 of 265
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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,
an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the
assembly line for the automobile-changed the world. As a reward, you can
hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws
in your invention:
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 115 of 265
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..." |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 116 of 265
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Satwinder was on her deathbed with her husband, Sukhwinder, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Sukhu," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Sukhu," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Sukhwinder. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Sukhu. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Sukhwinder mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Satwinder, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?" |
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Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 117 of 265
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161 Condom Slogans1) Cover your stump before you hump
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Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 118 of 265
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57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive 59) Contain that sputum before you use him 60) Restrain your log then plow her bog 61) Glove your pecker before you check her 62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her 63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize) 64) Cover old pete then grind her meat 65) Guard your peter before you meet her 66) Check your list before you tryst 67) Wrap your bate before you mate 68) Can your worm before you squirm 69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe 70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard 71) Bag the mole then do her hole 72) Cuff your carrot before you share it 73) Jail your number then call the plumber 74) Cover your vein then drive her insane 75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle 76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink 77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern 78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry 79) Wrap that spout then bore her out 80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain 81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge 82) Shroud your trout then make her shout 83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky 84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers 85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout 86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel 87) Cover your steamer before you ream her 88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish 89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass 90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret 91) Clothe the boner before you hone her 92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection! 93) Cork your pump or you don't hump 94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs 95) Dress that erection to make a deflection 96) Contain that shanker before you spank her 97) Cap that seeder before you breed her 98) Stop the stream before you cream 99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder 100) Protect your screw to catch that glue 101) Package your meat for a real neat treat 102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun 103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her 104) Garage the tractor then attack her 105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her 106) Sock that wanger before you bang her 107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser 108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good 109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke 110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 119 of 265
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111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates 113) Catch that goat before it bloats 114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen 115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her 116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk 117) Wrap that rod then please her bod 118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife 119) House that bottle then mash her throttle 120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash 121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle 122) Can your knob then throb her swab 123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug 124) Cover your limb before you swim 125) Retain your bailer then impail her 126) Rope your dope then make some soap 127) Net your salamander then make salad in her 128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper 129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds 130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft 131) Cover your stone before you bone 132) House your hose then curl her toes 133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass 134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch 135) Shield your rocks then pond her box 136) Cover old sly then do her dry 137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail 138) Glove your chimney before you come in me 139) If your nude tube your dude 140) Cloak your hitter then go split her 141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her 142) Can your spam then bam that mam 143) Corral your ram then slice her ham 144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver 145) Twist your wick then stick that prick 146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart 147) Shed old spot then do her slot 148) Drawer your pip then split her lips 149) Contain that leach then mash her peach 150) Bag your elm then take the helm 151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem 152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these 153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot 154) Survey your land then plant her stand 155) Before you drive her protect that diver 156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt 157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her 158) Cover you post then slice her roast 159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey 160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon 161) Contain that viper before you pipe her |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 120 of 265
)
CONFUCIOUS SAYS: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better
for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 121 of 265
)
Confucius say... Confucius say... Man who wants pretty nurse, must
be patient.
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| MonicaBL1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 122 of 265
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Aha, so here's one for Shoki: ...And God Made Man One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to
God...
"What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." |
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| MonicaBL1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 123 of 265
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AND GOD CREATED MAN... And God created woman. She had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And it was good. And God asked woman what she
She stood with her third breast in her hand
And God created man. |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 124 of 265
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Men are like....Placemats
Men are like....Bike Helmets
Men are like...Parking spots
Men are like...Copiers
Men are like.....Lava Lamps
Men are like.....Bank accounts
Men are like....high heels
Men are like.....Curling Irons
Men are like....Mini skirts
Men are like ...Bananas
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 125 of 265
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Men are like.....Coffee.
Men are like.....Blenders.
Men are like.....Coolers.
Men are like.....Copiers.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
Men are like.....High heels.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Men are like.....Laxatives.
Men are like.....Mascara.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
Men are like.....Noodles.
Men are like.....Plungers.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
Men are like.....Placemats.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Men are like.....Weather.
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 126 of 265
)
Computer Terms A language instructor was explaining to her class
that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically
designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she
described, would have a gender association although in English these words
were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender
is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided
the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should
be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class,
and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for
their recommendation.
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn
them on.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic.
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 127 of 265
)
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to get into the back seat?" "NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
"NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty,
and she even has his
"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not!" "Because I want to stay up here with you!" (yes, yes, I do, but now I have to go) |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 128 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was
having severe
"Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting
"He was looking through the window at me." |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 129 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. Gayathri, I wish you had stayed! That was funny. An elderly Italian man asked his priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War 2, when the Germans entered
Italy, a beautiful
The Priest replied: "that was a wonderful thing you
did, my son, and you
"It's worse Father. I was weak and told her she must
repay me with her
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered
terribly if the
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
But I have one more
"And what is that?" "should i tell her the war is over?" |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 130 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. viruses going round in India. Better beware of them. 1. Narasimha Rao Virus: First of all, this virus reduces the CPU speed to 66 Hz. Before executing any instruction, it deliberates over it a number of times and finally does nothing. 2. V.P.Singh Virus: This virus reserves a quota for each instruction, and executes them only according to the quota. Needless to say, the least used instructions have a higher quota than the more used instructions. This virus is also known as social justice virus. 3. Sukh Ram Virus: This virus first swallows 10% of the bits in each instruction and then executes them. 4. Tamizhkudimagan Virus: This virus makes sure that only programs written in the Tamil Language are executed. 5. Maneka Gandhi Virus: This is a green virus. It executes only those programs that were written by vegetarians. 6. Advani Virus: This virus pops up every now and then, and the only way you can continue working is by typing "Jai Shri Ram" 108 times. 7. K.P.S. Gill Virus: Only ladies need to worry about this virus. Every now and then the users get a whack, you know where. 8. Phoolan Devi Virus: This virus hijacks all high priority processes and generates page faults for them. At times, this virus may also celebrate the CPU's birthday. 9. Deve Gowda Virus: The main characteristic of this virus is that it tries to schedule all the processes at the same time. This virus services all the request for resources, and allocates them irrespective of whether they are available or not. 10. Jayalalitha Virus: This actually is a family
of viruses. Each member of this virus family grab as much of hard disk
space as
(all rigght so this is an oild one, I've gotta think up some new versions soon) |
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| Prem1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 131 of 265
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Prem Naam Hai Mera, Not Chopra. News Headlines Bombay Blast: 103 feared killed; I mean, 100 feared, 3 killed Bill passed silently as MPs away for lunch India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock Furore over Minister spending 2 crores for fixing broken leg of a Logarithmic Table Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst | Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires No bombings in Kashmir today Laloo to be made National Animal *Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526 Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2| months in Jail Population Statistics: 42% - Literate,| 58% - Politicians Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and some Potassium permanganate | Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software Kalyan Singh pulls Mayawati's leg in UP Assembly - Literally Death penalty upheld for Suicide victim India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games Bihar sold to Pakistan; In an unrelated incident Literacy soars up to 86% Committee formed to study the effectiveness of Commissions *Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of Independence Karnataka to aim for 100% reservation by Year 2005 |
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| zridhar1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 132 of 265
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President Bush is the Missing Link: Anthropologists reveal startling secret President Bush debunks the existence of Intelligence Laloo signs Election Technology Transfer Agreement with US Republicans, Democrats run to Jayalalitha for Help These are some of the nearly hundred hilarious news stories you'll find in this terrific site BULL-NEWS http://www.bull-news.com |
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| Vijayan1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 133 of 265
)
A sardar, a madrasi and a gujarati were waiting for a bus when a dangerous-looking guy approached them. He suddenly pulled out a syringe with blood inside it and said in a menacing tone, "Give me all your valuables or I'll pierce you with this needle. This contains AIDS infected blood!" Our friends were naturally alarmed - all except the sardar. The Madrasi immediately gave away all his valuables. The Gujju bargained with the stranger and gave away half of his belongings. The sardar, however, was unfazed. He refused to part with his money. In anger and frustration, the guy pricked the sardar with the needle and ran away. The alarmed madrasi and gujju asked the sardar, "How could you do this? Now you will get AIDS surely!". The sardar coolly replied, "No! I won't! I am wearing a condom". |
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| Aslam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 134 of 265
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Pilot over the intercom: We have lost one of our engines. No need to worry, we will be arriving 1 hour later than anticipated. Pilot 30 minutes later: We have lost another engine, we will be arriving 2 hours later at our destination. Pilot one hour later: We have lost our third engine. We will be arriving 4 hours late at our destination. Passenger to her husband: I’m starting to get worried, if that last engine goes we will be up here all night. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 135 of 265
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The sky was dark The moon was high All alone just she and I Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow... |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 136 of 265
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I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please too no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew. I have a spelling checker It came with my PC It plane lee marks for my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this pome rite threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in its weigh -- My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing It freeze ewe lodes of thyme. It helps me right, awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule. The checker pours ore every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Be fore a veiling checkers, Hour spelling mite decline, And if were lacks or have a laps, We wood be made to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know faults with in my cite, Of non eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, It does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped words fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud. And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. Sew ewe can sea why eye dew prays Such soft wear four pea sees. And why I brake in two averse By righting want too pleas. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 137 of 265
)
Dearest creature in creation Studying English pronunciation, I will teach you in my verse
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
Pray, console your loving poet,
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
Made has not the sound of bade,
Now I surely will not plague you
But be careful how you speak,
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
From "desire": desirable, admirable from "admire."
Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
One, anemone. Balmoral.
Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois - leather,
This phonetic labyrinth
Billet does not end like ballet;
Blood and flood are not like food,
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
And your pronunciation's O.K.,
contd. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 138 of 265
)
contd. Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
We say hallowed, but allowed,
Mark the difference, moreover,
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Camel, constable, unstable,
Petal, penal, and canal,
Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
But it is not hard to tell,
Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
Pussy, hussy, and possess,
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Stranger does not rime with anger.
Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
Query does not rime with very,
Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
Though the difference seems little,
Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;
Reefer does not rime with deafer,
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Tour, but our and succour, four,
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Compare alien with Italian,
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Say aver, but ever, fever.
Never guess - it is not safe:
Heron, granary, canary,
Face but preface, but efface,
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ear but earn, and wear and bear
Seven is right, but so is even,
Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
Pronunciation - think of psyche!
Won't it make you lose your wits,
It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Finally: which rimes with "enough"
Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
- G. Nolst Trenit |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 139 of 265
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In days of old When knights were bold And paper wasn't invented They'd wipe their ass On a clump of grass And walk away contented |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 140 of 265
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A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. Maybe a separate thread on limmericks? |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 141 of 265
)
Said Einstein, "I have an equation which to some may seem rabelaisian; Let V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let P be a constant persuasion; Let V over P be inverted With the square root of Mu inserted N times into V... The result, Q.E.D. Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 142 of 265
)
This is from a contest in Oxnard, California. The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unibomber) in a limerick. Here are the top 3: Winner: There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. First runner up:
Second runner up:
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| Aslam1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 143 of 265
)
I hope some of my friends will excuse me but this I just just heard: Why are residents of Jharkhand happy?
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 144 of 265
)
Ah, Aslam that was really a good one. This is what I heard today from my pal Harpreet Singh Hacker, you know the Surd Virus guy: Santa Singh and Banta Singh go to France on a pleasure
trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean
Paul finds these two Surds somewhat amusing and so he goes all out to make
them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques.
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 145 of 265
)
Puppy Singh was in his eighties, and was much admired for his sweetness and kindness to all. One fine afternoon a young neighbour, Tommy Singh came over to pay a courtesy call on him early in the spring. Puppy Singh welcomed Tommy into his Living Room. He invited him to have a seat while he fixed a little tea. As he sat facing his old pump organ, Tommy Singh noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Puppy Singh had gone out of his mind or something. When Puppy returned with tea, they began to chat. Tommy tried hard to hide his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Puppy Singh ji," Tommy said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this? I am so curious, please tell me ..." "Oh, yes," Puppy Singh replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking in the market last year and I found this little package by the side of the road. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know what Tommy Singh Puttar? ...I haven't had a cold all winter. I suggest you try it too..." |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 146 of 265
)
Shoki  2/14/2001 1:32:14 AM Well, this one is a continuation of the above. Sort of. Santa Returns to KBC Amitabh: Apke Sath kaun aye hai?
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 147 of 265
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!". |
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| paddy1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 148 of 265
)
been a pleasure reading all of you, time now to make my debut.. Life & Death
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 149 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed." All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he he was't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????" * * * * * * Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take
to
EMPLOYMENT..
* * * * * * CROCODILE BOOTS..
* * * * * * A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
* * * * * * |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 150 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava The Western Australia Old Ladies’ Discussion Group
meets each week, but all they ever talk about is cocks and pricks. After
a while the ladies get worried because they use the words so much - and
they might let them slip out in public. So they decide to substitute the
words ’prick’ and ’cock’ with other words which won’t sound bad if they
say them by mistake outside the club. They write to Old Ladies’ Clubs all
over the world to ask for advice.
Adolf Hitler pushes the doorbell at the Pearly Gates
of Heaven and demands to be admitted. He kicks up such a fuss that Saint
Peter calls Jesus to come and deal with the situation.
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 151 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Think proper punctuation is meaningless and of interest only to grammarians? Read on! Please say the following: "Woman without her man is nothing" Did you read it as "Woman, without her man, is nothing." Are you a man? Or did you see it as: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." ;-) |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 152 of 265
)
This one's had me laughing since yesterday: A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer." |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 153 of 265
)
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Umm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?" |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 154 of 265
)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "you must work in business." "I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 155 of 265
)
This useful tool commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in would most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am I? As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own... ...toothbrush... What were you thinking? You pervert! |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 156 of 265
)
A 70-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!" |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 157 of 265
)
Three men died and went to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and said, "Due to over population, I can only let one of you in. Whoever can tell me the best story of his death can enter Heaven." The first guy began his story: "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. Every day when I went to work, my nosy neighbor called me and said that there was a stranger in my house and that he could hear wild, passionate loving making noises. I finally got fed up with it and decide to go home at lunchtime and check things out. When I got home my wife was sitting on the couch naked. I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn't find anyone. Then I looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn't dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man's story: "I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died." The third story: "Well, I was in this refrigerator minding my own business... |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 158 of 265
)
Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. Their major called them into his office to explain. "Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?" "Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!" - "That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?" "Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!" - The major took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches... 740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?" "Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!" - "Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The major put his tape measure at the end of the Sergeant's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?" - "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, sah!" |
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| Gayathri1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 159 of 265
)
Lets face it, English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant. No ham in the hamburger. And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. And French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
English was invented by people, not computers.
That is why,
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 160 of 265
)
appa DeepO bhava Fed up with his quarrelsome babe Guljaan, Mulla told her... after marrying u i have begun to believe in the hindu scriptures, in the ram charitra manas, baba tulsi das rightly said... "dhol, ganwar, shoodra, pashu naari, sab taaRan ke adhikari. I believe in it too, replied Guljaan coz I am only naari, u r the rest dear. ********* Mulla discoved Mondegar, the pub... and made Mondegar his second home, every evening he rushed, whenever he could. Guljaan smellin phish in it... once insisted to accompany to see what he did there... upon arrival Mulla ordered a pitcher... first gulp and Guljaan said "yeh to kaRvi hey" with the dislike written all over her face... Mulla said and what did u think "hum kya yahaN aish karney aatey heiN" *** |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 161 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava How To Score. - Lenny Bruce. I figured out a sure way to score every time. You
meet a chick and tell her:
"What do you mean?"
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 162 of 265
)
appa DeepO bhava Around that time, Dr. Albert Ellis was becoming the unofficial theorist of the sexual revolution. In an interview, he told me: "My own standard is that certain modes of expression, including the use of many of the famous or infamous four-letter words, are unusually appropriate, understandable, and effective under certain circumstances, and at these times they should be unhesitatingly used. Words such asfuck' or 'shit' are most incisive and expressive when properly employed. "Take, for example, the campaign which I have been waging, with remarkable lack of success, for many years in favor of the proper usage of the word 'fuck.' My premise is that sexual intercourse, copulation, fucking, or whatever you wish to call it is normally, under almost all circumstances, a damn good thing. Therefore, we should rarely use it in a negative, condemnatory manner. Instead of denouncing someone by calling him 'a fucking bastard,' we should say, of course, that he is 'an unfucking villain' -- since 'bastard,' too, is not necessarily a negative state and should not only be used pejoratively." "Isn't the apparently inconsistent use of the word 'fuck' due to the fact that it actually has two meanings? One, it means intercourse. Two, it means screw -- you know, like in business -- 'I fucked him.'" "You're right. But since the word 'screw' has the same two meanings, and since screwing is (in my unjaundiced view) just as enjoyable as fucking, I would want the usage to be 'I unscrewed him' when we meant that I outwitted him or gave him a rough time." "How about the famous Army saying 'Fuck all of them but six and save them for pallbearers.' There 'fuck' means 'kill.'" "Yes, and it is wrongly used. It should be "Unfuck all of them but six." Lots of times these words are used correctly, as when you say, 'I had a fucking good time.' That's quite accurate, since fucking, as I said before, is a good thing, and a good thing leads to a good time. But by the same token you should say, 'I had an unfucking bad time. . . .'" Lenny Bruce was amazed that I could publish that and get away with it. At the time, magazines always used dashes or asterisks to indicate that kind of language. At that point in his career, Lenny was still using the term "frig" onstage. In his hotel room, we had a discussion on the semantics of profanity. I explained that it was not illegal, since the Supreme Court had defined obscenity as material which appeals to the prurient interest. Lenny took out the unabridged dictionary that he carried around in his suitcase and looked up the word "prurient." "Itching," he read out loud. "It means itching! What does that mean -- they can bust a novelty store owner for selling itching powder along with the dribble glass and the whoopee cushion?" "It's just their way of saying that something gets you horny." Lenny closed the dictionary, clenching his jaw and nodding his head in mock affirmation of a new sick discovery: "It's against the law to get you horny!" He asked me to give out copies of the Albert Ellis interview in front of New York City's Town Hall before his concert there that night. As a result, he was barred from performing there again. "They'll book me," he said. "They made too much money on that concert. I'd have more respect for them if they didn't ever book me again. At least they were keeping their word." But he was right. They did book him again. Several months later, Playboy magazine assigned me to edit the autobiography Lenny was working on, titled How to Talk Dirty and Influence People. I was fascinated by the way his mind played with ideas. I was also charmed by a certain streak of niavete, for Lenny was genuinely surprised that the Reader's Digest had rejected his manuscript. "Lenny Bruce On The Loose"
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| Sundeep1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 163 of 265
)
There's been a lull here for the past few days so I thought I would share this old one. (This, I was told, was an actual graffiti - in a D-School loo) There was the usual line drawn against a, well, pissario (urinal, if you please) with the legend: If you can piddle above this line, you are wanted by the fire-brigade. Came the V.P. Singh time with the Mandal fires raging all around. Soon, there was another line drawn some 6 inches below the earlier one. The legend? (For SC/ST/OBC only) |
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| Rajeev11/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 164 of 265
)
A wealthy woman arives home alone from a cocktail party and finds her butler, John, in her room. The woman sits on her bed and says: "John, please take off my shoes." John does so. She then says: "John, take off my dress." He does so. The woman says: "John, take off my underwear." John abides. Finally, the woman says: "Now John, I never want to catch you wearing my clothes ever again". |
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| jasbirdy1/31/2001 12:16:45 AM ( 165 of 265 ) |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 166 of 265
)
appa DeepO bhava One day one of his friends, Birbal, told him, "As far as I know, all men are dominated by women, whatsoever they may pretend." Akbar was offended. He said, "You will have to prove it. There must be a few men who are not dominated; your statement cannot be taken as a generalization. So I will give you two beautiful horses. You go around, and take a few hens also with you. If you find a man who is henpecked, present him with a hen. If you find a man who is not henpecked, then give him a choice: he can either have the black horse or the white horse. These are the most beautiful horses I have got, the most costly." In those days horses were of tremendous value. Birbal went around Delhi, and wherever he went he had to present a hen. Only in one place was he in a little difficulty. A very muscular man--he had never seen such a strong, muscular body--was sitting in the sun, massaging his muscles. Birbal asked him, "Are you a henpecked husband?" He simply showed his muscles to Birbal and said, "Just hold my hand and I will show you!" He crushed Birbal's hand so that Birbal screamed, and he said, "Now, do you have to ask me again? Then I will hit you! The very question is an insult! Who can dominate me?" A very little woman was cooking food inside--just a little woman that the man could have crushed with a single hand. No cross would have been needed, just a little pressure on her neck and she would have kicked the bucket! Birbal asked, "Where is your wife?" He said, "That is my wife cooking inside. You can look at her and you can look at me, and you can decide who is the master." It was so absolutely clear that Birbal said, "Certainly you are the master, so I will have to take my generalization back. You can choose as a gift from the king either of the horses, black or white." And the man looked at the woman and said, "Which horse should I choose, black or white?" And the woman said, "Let it be white!" And Birbal said, "Now you get a hen! It is finished! You may have muscular power, but that does not prove anything." The woman has a psychological grip. Andrew Carnegie, one of the great wealthy industrialists of the world, was asked on the last day of his life, "How did you manage to earn so much money? What was the secret behind it?" He said, "There was no secret. I was just trying to see whether I can earn so much that my wife could not spend it, but I failed, she succeeded." |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 167 of 265
)
appa DeepO bhava Sheila and George were spending the first night of their honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France. To add piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that they make love every time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell. George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower. "Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy man, "do me a favor, will you? For the rest of the night ring that bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!" "Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his mustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I cannot do this." "Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if that's what's troubling you!" "Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every half hour." I have always managed to turn from being an admirer of women into a woman's fool.... If you are an admirer of women you will inevitably turn into a woman's fool, because admiration is illusory; admiration is possible only from a distance. The closer you come the more foolish you will look, and when you are caught by the woman you are bound to be turned into a damned fool. And you were trying in every possible way to be caught, so you cannot easily get out of it either. A mousetrap never runs after a mouse; the mousetrap simply sits centered, grounded. The mouse in his airy-fairy romanticism starts dreaming about the coziness inside the mousetrap, the smell of the food inside, the spaghetti and all that, and gets caught. It is easy to get caught, it is very difficult to be out again, because the mousetrap has only an entrance and no exit. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 168 of 265
)
appa DeepO bhava After a heart-transplant operation the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours sleep at night. Finally the patient asked, "What about my sex life, doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited." A middle-aged husband went to a doctor and explained
that his wife was constantly nagging him about his vanishing potency. After
giving him a bottle of pills the doctor assured him that they would work
wonders.
Obsessed with the idea of pleasing all manner of
customers
with girls of the very highest order, an enterprising madam set up a three-story
house of sport. She had ex-secretaries, selected for their efficiency,
on the first floor; ex-models, selected for their beauty, on the second;
and ex-schoolteachers, selected for their intelligence, on the third. As
time went on the madam noticed that almost all the play went to floor number
three. She asked why, and the answer to the puzzle finally came from one
of the steady customers.
The morning after the office Christmas party the
husband woke up with an agonizing hangover. "I feel terrible," he complained.
Sam told his wife, Becky, that because of inflation
they had to cut expenses--no more dining out, theater, concerts, etcetera.
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| anshuast1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 169 of 265
)
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded in the middle of nowhere. 2 Italian men and 1 italian woman 2 French men and 1 french woman 2 German men and 1 german woman 2 Greek men and 1 greek woman 2 Polish men and 1 polish woman 2 Mexican men and 1 mexican woman 2 Irish men and 1 irish woman 2 American men and 1 american woman 2 Indian man and 1 indian woman One month later, on various parts of the island the following was observed. A- one italian killed the other italian man for the italian woman. B- The 2 french men and the french woman are living happily together. C- The 2 german men have a strictly weekly schedule of when they alternate with the german woman. D- The 2 greek men are slee |
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| anshuast1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 170 of 265
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Continued From Above ping together and the greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them. E- The 2 polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the polish woman and they started swimming. F-The 2 mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the mexican woman. G- The 2 Irish men began dividing the island into Northern and Southern parts and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but at least the english are not getting any. H- The 2 american men are contemplating suicide. The american woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism,how she can do everything they can do, about the necessity of |
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| anshuast1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 171 of 265
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Continued From Above fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better and how her relationship with her mother is improving. I- The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the indian woman. |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 172 of 265
)
So our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns for NAME, AGE, ADDRESS
etc. Then came the
He was not sure as to what ought to be filled there.
After much thought he
On seeing this in his appllication, form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled with was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardarji thought for a long time before
coming up with the answer:
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 173 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava The psychiatrist leaned back and placed the tips of his fingers together while he soothed the deeply-troubled man who stood before him. "Calm yourself, my good fellow," he gently urged. "I have helped a great many others with fixations far more serious than yours. Now, let me see if I understand the problem correctly. You indicate that in moments of great emotional stress you believe that you are a dog, a fox terrier. Is that not so?""Yes, sir," mumbled the patient. "A small fox terrier with black and brown spots. Oh, please tell me you can help me, doctor. If this keeps up much longer, I don't know what I'll do...." The doctor gestured toward the couch. "Now, now," he soothed, "the first thing to do is lie down here, and we'll see if we can't get to the root of your delusion." "Oh, I couldn't do that, doctor," said the patient. "I'm not allowed up on the furniture." Once you get an idea deep-rooted in you, it starts becoming a reality. Perfectionism is a neurotic idea. Infallibility is good for stupid Polack popes but not for intelligent people. An intelligent person will understand that life is an adventure, a constant exploration through trial and error. That's its very joy, its very juice! tathagat don't want you to be perfect. ...be just as perfectly imperfect as possible. Rejoice in your imperfections! Rejoice in your very ordinariness! Beware of so-called "His Holinesses"--they are all "His Phoninesses." If you like such big words like "His Holiness" then make a title such as "His Very Ordinariness"--HVO, not HH! I preach ordinariness. tathagat makes no claims for any miracles; me a simple man. And would like you also to be very simple so that you can get rid of these two polarities: that of guilt and that of hypocrisy. Exactly in the middle is sanity. St. Peter challenged the Archangel Gabriel to a game
of golf. St. Peter's first drive resulted in a hole-in-one. Gabriel's first
drive produced the same result. The same thing happened at the next shot.
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 174 of 265
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TENDJEWBERRYMUD The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review..... Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS:"San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter. Just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, toss singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome" |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 175 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava After Making Love The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats ah 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy." The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy." The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling!" |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Governments of the World COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes
both of them and gives you part of the milk. SOCIALISM: You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and sells you the milk. NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY : You have two cows. The government takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other, then pours the milk down the drain. Sounds familier... lol... o'course India. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 177 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Politics Defined SON: Dad, I have to do a special report for school ... can I ask you a question? FATHER: Sure son, what's the question? SON: What is politics? FATHER: Well, let's take our home for example ... I make the money, so let's call me Government. Your mother is the investor of the money, so we'll call her management. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class ... and your baby brother we will call the future ... do you understand? SON: I'm not really sure, dad ... I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed. The next morning: SON: Dad, now I think I understand politics. FATHER: That's great son! Now explain it to me in your own words. SON: Well dad, while GOVERNMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS , MANAGEMENT is sound asleep. the PEOPLE are being completely ignored and the FUTURE is full of suit. |
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| PuterGal1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 178 of 265
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Hey Tathagat... pretty darn good one on the politics defined! :))) |
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| tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 179 of 265
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One night, Nasruddin told his wife, "If it rains tomorrow, I will go to the mountain to bring some fire wood instead of going for the usual job of ploughing the land." His wife told him, " Say Inshallah god willing" He said: "Inshallah is not necessary! Whatsoever, either I will go to plough the land or go to the mountain to bring the fire wood tomorrow." Incidentally, when he came out of the home next morning, he came across some people who were riding horses. They asked about the way to one of the villages. Nasruddin expressed ignorance. But the riders after slapping him many times, made him go with them to show them the way to the village. He had to run with the horses. He became very tired when he went home in the evening. It was raining. He neither had brought firewood nor had gone to plough the land. When he knocked at the door, his wife asked, "Who are you!" Nasruddin said, "It is me, Inshallah Open the door, Inshallah." |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 180 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Woody Allen quotes I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers.
-- Sleeper.
I was incredible in bed last night. I never once
had to sit up and consult the manual. -- Play it Again, Sam.
I should have stayed in college. What would you be
if you had stayed in college? I was in the black studies program. By now
I could have been black. -- Bananas.
I'm what you'd call a teleological existential atheist
- I believe that there's a general intelligence to the universe, except
for certain parts of New Jersey. -- Sleeper.
The prisoners are given one meal a day. That meal
is a bowl of steam. -- Take the Money and Run.
I had two heart attacks before I bought this exercise
bicycle. And since then? I've also had two. -- Stardust Memories.
Did I catch you at a bad time? Twins, Max. Sixteen
year old twins. Think of the mathematical possibilities. -- Annie Hall
After fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her, and
after thirty minutes I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
-- Take the Money and Run
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| meenu1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 182 of 265
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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well, your honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling," and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"."I just lost it. " Judge: "CASE DISMISSED" |
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| rudy1/31/2001
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AMERICAN DIWALI If a young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is probably how he would go about it... "so, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But,like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But DUDE, the forest was reeeeal scary shit...really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows...so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe(Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... And you DON't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like...,all the gods were with him.. So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest..and anyways...it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home...they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days...so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool...you know with all those fireworks.. Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks..and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks..you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, THAT was how,like, this festival started. Brother: "Cool! Diwali rocks, Maaann." |
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| One1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 184 of 265
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Once a SARDAR comes to a store, and pointing towards a corner, asks the owner " How much does that TV cost?" Owner:"Sardar , tere Barah baj gaye, I dont want to sell that stuff" Sardar:"But Why?" Owner:"Coz,tere barah baj gaye" After repeating the same reply many times the Sardar finally goes away and returns ,Clad as a PATHAN. sardar:"Oh Khochche,Yeh TV kitne Ka Deti?" Owner:"Oye sardarji ,tere Barah baj gaye, I don't wanna sell that stuff 2 u" sardar goes back and returns, Clad as a Muslim woman, with Burkha. Sardar:"Suniye Bhai jaan, Yeh TV kitne ka hai?" Owner:(angrily raising his voice)"Abay o Sardar , tere sach mooch mein BARAH BAJ GAYE, I m not gonna sell that stuff 2 u " sardar:"But why? Actually HOW did u know that I was the same guy" Owner :"Coz ,You FOOOOOOL , This is not a freakin TV but a WASHING MACHING!!!!" |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 185 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Three very-pregnant women are waiting to see their doctor. The first says "I'm sure I'm having a boy this time, because my husband was on top, and I always have boys when he's on top." The second one says "That's interesting; I guess I'll have a girl, then, because I was on top. The third woman begins to cry, and the other two ask her why she's crying, and she says "I think I'm having puppies!" *** Queen Elizabeth and Princess Di were out driving in the family Bentley when they were overtaken by highwaymen. The thieves demanded all their jewels, but the ladies insisted that they weren't wearing any. After searching them, the thieves decided to settle for the car, and left. As the Queen and Princess were walking back to Buckingham palace, the Queen asked Di, "Weren't you wearing a diamond ring when we left?" Di said "Yes I was. But when I saw the thieves, I hid it up my... well, you know. But weren't you wearing that sapphire necklace Prince Philip gave you?" The queen answered "Yes, but when I saw the thieves, I put it up my...well, you know." They walked a little further and the queen added "It's a shame we didn't have Princess Margaret with us; we could have saved the Bentley!" *** A young couple had a hard time talking about sex, so they went to a marriage counselor for advice. He said they should think of some silly, neutral word they could use when they wanted to have sex. They picked washing machine. One night they were in bed and the husband said "Washing machine!" She said "I'm sorry, dear, I'm just too tired right now. Perhaps you could wake me up later" Two hours later, he tries again, whispering "Washing machine!" She says "I'm still tired. Could you give me another hour?" Later that night, she wakes up, now refreshed and says to him, "Washing machine! Washing machine, honey!" And he tells her "Never mind, dear. It was a small load, so I did it by hand." |
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| kamal1/31/2001
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Little johny: Once teacher asked little johny that there were 3 birds on a tree, you shot one. how many were left out? Little johny said that none because the other 2 would fly away because of sound. Teacher said that no. two would remain on tree anyway i liked the way you thought. now johny's turn. johny asked teache that there were 3 girls sitting on a chair one was biting the ice cone, other was licking the ice cone and last one was sucking the ice cone. now who were married in these three. Teacher said that the one sucking. johny said that no. the one who wears a marriage ring but i liked the way you thought. |
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| kamal1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 187 of 265
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Little johny: Once teacher asked little johny that there were 3 birds on a tree, you shot one. how many were left out? Little johny said that none because the other 2 would fly away because of sound. Teacher said that no. two would remain on tree anyway i liked the way you thought. now johny's turn. johny asked teache that there were 3 girls sitting on a chair one was biting the ice cone, other was licking the ice cone and last one was sucking the ice cone. now who were married in these three. Teacher said that the one sucking. johny said that no. the one who wears a marriage ring but i liked the way you thought. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 188 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidentally, the photograph fell down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely, he asked the sari clad female, standing in front of him, "Can you lift that sari? I wanna take a photograph"... The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him, in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure". He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay". He went towards the next house and without taking any risks, asked, "Do you have "grown up" daughters?". The Owner asked, "WHY?????????" Banta replied, " I wanted to stay here for a night..... " ****** An inventor comes to the president of General Foods with a peach. The president says "What's this?" and the inventor says "Taste it!" The president tastes it and says "It tastes like a peach. So what?" The inventor says "Turn it around!" The president turns it around, takes a bite, and says "Incredible! It tastes like a banana." But the president, hoping to steal this idea, says to the inventor "That's pretty good, but if you really want to impress me, make one that tastes like a woman!" The inventor promises to try, and goes off the his lab. A month later, he's back at the president's desk with another peach. He says to the president "Taste it!" The president tastes it...and then starts to gag and spits it out. "It tastes like shit!" he screams at the inventor. And the inventor says "Turn it around!" |
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| meenu1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 189 of 265
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Just a little gas" A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart." |
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| sudhir1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 190 of 265
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A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK." The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW......BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number........Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank you." The Manager fainted............ |
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| Vijay1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 191 of 265
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I Think I`m MAD Why English Is Tough? Reasons Why the English Language is so Hard to Learn: 1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
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| sumil1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 192 of 265
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Santa Singh In Tamilnadu Express... After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed . When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's berth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. The TT said that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English . Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child." |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 193 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Ajit Jokes, :) Rupert Murdoch goes to Ajit and says, "The Indian television network is making my life miserable. Do something and I will pay you a million dollars." Says Ajit" Ghabrao math, Rupert, mai ek anti-satellite missile fire karoonga aur Insat-2B ko Insat-not-to-be aur Insat-2C ko Insat-not to see kara doonga !" |
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| JAZZ1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 194 of 265
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Some animals are more equal than others. A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. |
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| rajat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 195 of 265
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Just then several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Not wanting to get them immediately they decided to finish the ones they had. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. |
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| chinky1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 196 of 265
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A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!" |
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| phatcat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 197 of 265
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Parcel In The Post!! A family in the Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister. The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read: Dearest brothers and sisters, I am sending you our mother's remains for burial there in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were so high. You will find inside the coffin, under Mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just divide it among yourselves. On Mama's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for Junior. There are four pairs of Reeboks under Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for OMO, Roy and the rest are for my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bra (your favorite), just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties that Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins. Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ronke, Mama is wearing what you asked for - earrings, ring and necklace - just please get them. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that Mama is wearing must be divided among the teen-age girls there. I hope they like the color. Your loving sister, Nene P.S. Please take care of finding a dress for Mama for her burial. |
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| rudy1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 198 of 265
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"Boy's Name" On their first day at infants school, the teacher asked all the children to stand up and introduce themselves to the rest of the class by telling everyone their first names. She finally asked a boisterous young boy, who was sat with his feet on a table, to tell everyone his name. "I'll give you a clue," he said. "First, it's in a woman's hand, then it's in her mouth, and then it's between her legs!" The shocked and startled teacher stared at the young boy in disbelief and said: "Er.. Thank you, Dick, you can sit down now!" |
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| mogwli1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 199 of 265
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The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts, it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man, "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." Moral Of the Story: Some things in life are certain... taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney....!!! Cheers !! |
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| rudy1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 200 of 265
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Santa Singh and his young wife were getting divorced at a local court. But the custody of children posed a problem. The mother protested and said to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.Santa also wanted the custody of his children. The judge asked him the reason wanting custody of the children. After a long moment of silence, Santa slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to the machine or me?" |
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| ssss1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 201 of 265
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IT savvy CM and software super power states cannot solve drought problems through IT and seek aid for water problems and famine in states from centre . |
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| phatcat1/31/2001
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Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead " |
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| sudhir1/31/2001
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Nice Ones!! What did snow white say after making love to seven dwarfs ? I would rather have one seven inches than seven one inches. ----- Arab : i have 4 sons, one morning i'll have a basketball team ! American : i have 9 sons, one morning i'll have a football team ! Muslim : I have 17 wives, one morning i'll have a golf course with 18 holes ! ------ Three advantages of getting 500 Rs. note tattoed on your dick- 1. u can play with ur money 2. u can see ur money grow 3. ur wife can blow as much money she wants ! |
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| sumil1/31/2001
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Once it so happened in a flight that, James bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy.. Both were traveling to US. Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?" James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond." , "and you?" Telugu Guy :"I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai...Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai ... Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.." |
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| santaji1/31/2001
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WHY MEN ARE PROUD OF THEMSELVES 1. We know stuff about tanks. 2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase. 3. We can open all our own jars. 4. We can make decisions without a support group. 5. We can leave a motel bed unmade. 6. We can kill our own food. 7. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 8. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 9. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend. 10. Underwear is $10 a three-pack. 11. Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate. 12. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming. 13. Car mechanics tell us the truth. 14. We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." 15. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 16. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 17. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends. 18. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 19. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors. 20. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 21. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades. 22. We don't have to shave below the neck. 23. A few belches are expected and tolerated. 24. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 25. We can do our nails with a pocketknife. 26. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Where is Toba Tek Singh? SA'ADAT HASAN MANTO :- ... OpaR di gooR gooR de annex de bedhiyana di moong de daal of paakistaan govt de toba Tek singh di laaltain... :) This is how tathagat heard it hundred moons ago... When India was divided into two nations, India and Pakistan, a rumor was heard that there was a madhouse just on the boundary. Neither India nor Pakistan was interested to take the madhouse. But something had to be done. It had to go somewhere. Finally, the chief superintendent of the madhouse called all the mad people and asked them, "Do you want to go to India?" They said, "No, we are perfectly happy here." The superintendent said, "You will be here. Don't be worried about that. Just tell me - do you want to go to India?" They all looked at each other and they said, "People think we are mad! Something has gone wrong with our superintendent. If we are going to be here then the question does not arise of going to India. Why should we go to India?" The superintendent was in a difficulty how to explain to these insane people. He said, "Then would you like to go to Pakistan?" They said, "No, not at all. We are perfectly happy here. Why should we go anywhere?" He again tried to explain to them that, "You will be here, whether you choose India or Pakistan. You are not going anywhere." Then they said, "It seems to be very strange. If we are not going anywhere, then why should we even be asked about it? We are here." It was impossible to convince them that it is not a question of physically moving to India or Pakistan. It is a political question: "Under which country, within which boundary do you want to remain?" Finally it was decided by the officials that the madhouse should also be divided into two parts. One will be in India, one will be in Pakistan. They raised a huge wall, just dividing the whole madhouse in two. And tathagat has heard that the mad people still climb up on the wall, ... look at one another... look up n laugh their heads off... talk to the people on the other side and say, "We cannot figure it out. We are here, you are here, but you have gone to Pakistan and we have gone to India - just because they have raised this wall. And the strangest thing of all is that they think we are mad." It is a mad world. All boundaries are absolute nonsense. Anything that divides man from man is inhuman, uncivilized, uncultured. But nobody asks whether nations are a fiction, and because you never ask you start believing in the reality of nations. Then arise questions of responsibility towards the nation. You even have to sacrifice your life for the nation which is a fiction. No such thing exists anywhere, no India, no Germany, no Japan, no America. It is a single planet, one humanity. But because of the fiction, people go on killing each other. Real people are killed for an unreal idea. Responsibility towards the nation has been the cause of all the wars. If all those people who had gone to the wars had refused: "We are not going to kill anybody for a fiction and we are not going to be killed for a fiction," there would have been no wars, no politicians. The world would have been a peaceful, beautiful place to live in. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything. (The vendor gives the Master the hot-dog and the Master gives the vendor a $10 bill. After a moment the Master asks, "Where's the change?" The vendor replies, "Comes From within.") Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change
a light bulb?
: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a
light bulb?
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed
with the computer he is working with?
Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues
bands?
Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Bush'ism A medical miracle Scene: bar at a surgeons' convention in Paris. The Israeli doctor raises his glass and says: 'Here's to Israeli medicine! It's so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' The German doctor splutters in his beer. 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.' The Russian doctor downs his vodka. 'Ha! We Russians can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' The American doctor finishes his whisky, slams his empty glass on the table and hisses: 'Gentlemen, we Americans are gonna take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and half the goddam country will be looking for work the very next day.' (already a hundred thousand jobs lost in past 36 hours..) __________ It doesn't help any that the denizens of other nations -- hell, even most Americans -- doubt that Dubya could name the capital of France, let alone dictate a competent foreign policy. Indeed, one of the major stumbling blocks he hit on the campaign trail came when he was hard-pressed to name dignitaries and heads-of-state of other countries, his across-the-table peers-to-be in the global political arena. One skill that the president does seem to possess is doling out "clever" nicknames to those people he encounters regularly, including his family (his wife, first lady Laura Bush, is "First"), Cabinet members (Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is "Rummy," Secretary of State Colin Powell is "Balloonfoot"), journalists in the White House press corps (New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd is "Cobra"), key figures on Capitol Hill (House Speaker Dennis Hastert is "Speak") and even those pesky foreign heads-of-state whose names he can't remember (Russian president Vladimir Putin is "Ostrich Legs"). |
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| haha1/31/2001
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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who' s willy is thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won"t wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash wont be annoyed. Pulls out my chair & opens my door, massages my back & begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?- One who"ll make love till my body's a twitchin', In the hall, the tub, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempts to shag my bestfriend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead Amen |
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| Sundeep1/31/2001
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When you have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone -- Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know... Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caIler ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?" "No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, this guy's another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" contd.in next |
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| Sundeep1/31/2001
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"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Sure..." "Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this solution: First, I had my phone speeddial asshole #1. A man answered nicely, "Hello?" I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up. The asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He said, "What's your name, pal?" So I told him, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!", and I hung up. Then I called asshole #2. Don Hansen answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole." And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street... After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day !!! |
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| Sundeep1/31/2001
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The above which was forwarded to me reminds me of that difference between "irritation", "aggravation" and "frustration" I once read in a management book (yes, I did, once upon a time). So there are these three guys. Getting drunk, they get into an argument about the exact meaning and difference of these three words. One of them being of the practical kind, decides to illustrate by means of an example as they imbibe. It is around midnight. He picks up the phone and calls up a number at random. "Is Sundeep there?" Sleepy voice, "Sorry, wrong number" "That", says our empiricist, "was irritation". So what about the rest? Wait, he says. Back to drinking they go. After another 45 minutes or so (it is now nearing 1 AM), he calls up the same number again. "Is Sundeep there?" "Fuck you, dimwit, I told you before", etc follow. That, says our friend, was aggravation. So what is 'frustration'? The guy advises patience and precisely at 1:30 AM gets the other guy to call up the same number and ask in a perfectly calm, deliberate voice, "Hi. Sundeep here. Any messages for me?" |
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| C-Cat1/31/2001
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Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch! |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Another Look At The Ten Commandments I am the LORD thy God and I give you these Ten Commandments: 1. I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are "cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot and, hence, right out. 2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vein. Drugs are fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene. 3. You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these, though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more thou spendest, the holier thou art. 4. Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy affliction... naneenaneebooboo. 5. You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt queers, women, commies or sissies. 6. You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women. Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being God. Someone get these bugs offa Me! 7. Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it in to the state or national charter. 8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway). 9. Go ahead and covet. 10. Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning, which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion and kill anyone who questions thou. |
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| Sundeep1/31/2001
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Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3" And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaims, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!!!" So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava World Ideologies as Explained by CowsFEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market. PERESTROIKA You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. CAPITALISM You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. ANARCHO-CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. OLYMPICS-ISM You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Punjabi Angrezi, ...stomach meiN headach... Teacher of a primary school in Punjab advised his class in the best traditions of Punjabi English: "When you are empty meet me behind the class." On another occasion he told them if they had any question to ask: "Stand your hand". Once when he had some problem with his eyes, he sent an application to the Principal asking for leave: "Sir, I cannot come to school because my eyes have come. I will report for duty when they go."J.P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal2SexySardar in The ooold Tribune... Saturday, January 19, 2002 hey Tribune de chandi gaRh... ur web edition comes online 2 late... 'email this story' pheature ij missing... Sondeep Joshi's cartoon image too small... but ur archieving is better than Kasturi Buddhist from Madras or The telegraph of CoolCat'a... there is a Tribune story included at anti-war.com news portal... though tathagat had sent something else for publication... |
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| manav1/31/2001
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Bholaji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class.This is what transpires : Bholaji : "Bolo bachon GADHA" Students (in chorous) : "GADHA " Bholaji : "Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA" Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA" Bholaji : "Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN" Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MEIN" Bholaji : "Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN, MERE PECHE SAARA DESH" Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH" By this time the inspector is furious. He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Bholaji teaching his students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH. The principal too is shocked, the famous english teacher doing this. Principal : "Bholaji what nonsense are you telling these students "GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH". Bholaji : "Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spelling of ASSASSINATION. ASS - ASS - I - NATION (GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH) |
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| SHK1/31/2001
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Raja Ram Chandar the beloved crown prince of Ayodhya was banished to the forest (Ban-Baas) to keep the promise his father Raja Dashrat had given to Ram Chandar Ji's step mother Kekai. When he was proceeding the whole population of Ayodhya came to see him off till the borders of the state. Saying good bye to his subjects he said "Dear Men and Women please go to your home and wait for my return.'" After twelve years of "Ban-Bas" when he retuned he found hutments at the border of his kingdom, when enquired he was told that these are Eunuchs still waiting for his order to go home since he had only mentioned Men and Women and said nothing to Eunuchs. Moved by their show of love for him he said; Some day you Eunuchs will rule this great country and you will rule it for hundred years. Since 1947 iot is now 55 years that they are ruling the country. 45 still remain |
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| sc2k1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 220 of 265
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Marketing comes in a number of flavors ---- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
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Bhaiyo, Bhaiyo ki behano, aur mere Pakistani biraatheraan, Here are my entries for the worst PJ's ever: What do you call a person who is leaving India?? Hindustan Lever. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha...................................? Adidas Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv fell into the well. ...Why ? Because Luv is blind. Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? Kyonki Luv ke liye saala kuch bhi karega. Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. chain ki saans - D'cold Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ? D'Cold again...kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi |
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| cactus1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 222 of 265
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God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates ........ "Look everything should be in balance". For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels; here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time, I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance. One of the angels asked... "God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?" God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture, which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....." The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance." God replied - "Look at the neighbours, I gave them." |
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| manav1/31/2001
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A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens,Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech.If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk.At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants or leacherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil.We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers.Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher. I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!" |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
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An Indian Politician returned home after his first visit to England. Pressmen surrounded him and asked him what it was he had been impressed with most about the English People. "They are very educated race" replied the politician. "Even a two-year-old child can speak English". |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
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This one will reboot your language: Our work environment has called for a lot of refinement in our language (English) that it is high time that we pay rich tributes to one of the 'pioneers' of Ingliees - yes, my school PT (Physical Training) master... Some of his world-famous utterances are given below... His name-board reads "A.DEVARAJ, B.A, M.A" # Inside the Class :
# About his family : I have two daughters. Both of them are girls... # Reading out a notice :
# At the ground :
# PT at his best :
# Our Science teachers were no way 'left' behind...
PROOF :
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| Antrax1/31/2001
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Translations of English Apparently Hindi translations of English titles continue to be fabricated for the sheer fun they provide. We are familiarised with the All India Lawn Tennis Tournament as 'Akhil Bhartiya Ghaas phoos Gaindballa muthbhed'. An equally amusing rendering in Hindi of a game of ping-pong is 'Batti ke neechey Takht ke oopar, Idhar se thaaka-thak udhar se thaaka-thak. |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
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College Love A collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her. HE WROTE : Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation. I have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination; no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation. On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation. Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion, To remain victim of your fascination. SHE WROTE : -------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination, Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation. 1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection. 2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and, 3. Procreation must not be your recreation. In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation. I Remain, Unaffected by your affection. |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 228 of 265
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One day a girl went to church to make a confession GIRL: Forgive me father for I have sined
after a few minutes the priest said, thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch GIRL: But father he had AIDS
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| Antrax1/31/2001
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A priest lost his murga. During the mass he asked, "Has anyone got a cock?"
"I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
Really flustered, he said, "I meant any one seen my cock?" Immediately all the nuns stood up. |
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| Sundeep1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 230 of 265
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Antrax  3/5/2002 4:08:15 PM Well Antrax, Here are some better ones for you: Table Tennis: gol gaTTam, sadha madhyam, TaRaa Taram pratiyogitaa Cricket: harii ghaas pe le danaa dan, de danaa dan Railway Signal: loh pathgaamini aawat jaawat suchat yantra |
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| joey1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 231 of 265
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You guys are awesome.. Its been a while since I go t this one, so probably most of you might have rea d it. Tommy and the Priest
Tommy goes into a conf essional box and says,
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."< br>
"Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you... Fo r I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"N o father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you." The priest s ays firmly,"I admire your perseverance but you m ust atone for your sins. Your penance will be fiv e Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tom my goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?" Tommy rep lies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mar ys and three good leads. |
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| joey1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 232 of 265
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sheesh!!! the html editor in here sux!!! I had to insert tons of " "s to space out my previous message . T hank heavens for Frontpage!!! |
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| uraru1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 233 of 265
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here is a pure desi one :) have fun -- >One Bengali is a poet >Two Bengalis is a film society >Three Bengalis is a political party >Four Bengalis is two political parties >One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky >Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky >Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds >Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one >One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav >Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad >Three Biharis is a caste killing >Four Biharis is the entire literate population of Patna >One Mallu is a coconut stall >Two Mallus is a boat race >Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket >Four Mallus is an oil slick >One UP bhaiyya is a milkman >Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop >Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UPassembly >Four UP bhaiyyas is a mosque-destruction squad >One Gujju is a share-broker in a Bombay train >Two Gujjus is a rummy game in a Bombay train >Three Gujjus is Bombay's noisiest restaurant >Four Gujjus is a stock market scam >One Andhraite is a chilli farmer >Two Andhraites is a software company in New Jersey >Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit >Four Andhraites is a song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie >One Kashmiri is a carpet salesman >Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory >Three Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit >Four Kashmiris is a shoot-at-sight order >One Tam-Brahm is a priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple >Two Tam-Brahms is a maths tuition class >Three Tam-Brahms is a queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m. >Four Tam-Brahms is a Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara >One Bombayite is a footpath vada-pav stall >Two Bombayites is a film studio >Three Bombayites is a slum >Four Bombayites is the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour >One Sindhi is a currency racket >Two Sindhis is a papad factory >Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar >Four Sindhis is the Hong Kong Retail Traders Association >One Marwari is the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator >Two Marwaris own 50% of Calcutta >Three Marwaris can finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis >Four Marwaris will threaten the Jews as a community >One U.S. Desi is a software guy >Two U.S. Desis is a lunch group at work >Three U.S. Desis is a complaining session about the U.S >Four U.S. Desis is four software guys at the office microwave, heating the >tamarind rice ,cooked that morning, in their shared one bedroom ghetto, and complaining about life in the USA :) and finaly, why did the malyali cross cross the road -- to join the traid union on the onther side of the road :) |
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| uraru1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 234 of 265
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:o Santa Singh went to the Doctor and complained that he was aching all over. "Where exactly are you hurting?", asked the doctor. Santa Singh replied, "All over my body, Doctor." He touched his left hand with his forefinger, "It hurts when I touch here". He touched his right leg. "It hurts here also." He touched his back, arms, stomach - everywhere and said it hurt in all places. The doctor took some x-rays and said, "Santa Singh! I've caught your problem! You have a sprain in your forefinger!" :D :D wanna read some more sardarji jokes...follow this link... http://www.angelfire.com/space/arun /jokes.html |
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| joy1/31/2001
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An Indian, an American and a French were travelling on the same train. The American said- we have Britney Spears, the French said - we have Brigitte Bardott , the Indian said- we have Tilottama ! |
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| joy1/31/2001
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Vajpayee , Bin Laden and Castro were travelling together. Castro said, I have a cigar, Bin Laden said I have an airplane, Vajpayee said I have Advani! |
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| joy1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 237 of 265
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An Indian, an American and a French were travelling on the same train. The American said- we have Britney Spears, the French said - we have Brigitte Bardott , the Indian said- we have Tilottama ! |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 238 of 265
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Ghaagvaanii walks into a bar [4 soome cow urine... which now must be served in pubs 2] with his pet monkey named Monster MoaDii. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at Ghaagvaanii "Did you see what your monkey just did?" Ghaagvaanii says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Ghaagvaanii, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies Ghaagvaanii. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied shree Ghaagvaanii. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first." |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Body Language A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus. A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about. The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark..." The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?" The driver continued, She replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 241 of 265
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What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy? Bubblegum (what were you thinking?) |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 242 of 265
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The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.... why learn. |
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| ambrish1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 243 of 265
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Exited man comes home & tells wife "darling I got 4 good tyres for > the price of one". > Wife: "you stupid man, we don't even have a car". > Man: "do I comment when you buy your bra?.. ***************************** > * Man tells wife "things have become too expensive, learn cooking so > that we can send cook home and save. > Wife replies "learn fucking, so that we can send driver, watchman and > gardener home!". > ****************************** > * A lady lost 3 panties in her house. She asks her husband but he > didn't know. Husband asked the maid. Maid replied > "saab aapko toh maloom hai main kuch nahin pahenti." *************************** > * Sardar and wife were waiting at signal, a tapori comes aside and > says "wah paaji kya rakhel hai?" > sardar g! ets furious and says " Oye rahkel hogi teri meri tho biwi hai" **************** |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 244 of 265
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Before and after Marriage Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote :(((
Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen...
Shaadi ke pehle - Kaho Na Pyaar Hai..
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hain
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 245 of 265
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appa DeepO bhava Simi asked De about remarriage... reminded me a Persian saying... man the only doonkey 2 git in the same ditch twice... lol... After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time, and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." Jokes
Archive by thread
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| JGrewal1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 246 of 265
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True little story. In 1968 I was at my Gujarati friend's apartment in the Bay Area and he needed to make a long distance call to someone in Indianapolis. In those days to make a long distance call in the US, you dial the operator and tell her the city that you want. He said I want "Indiana Polis" pronouncing it as Indiana Police. She promptly connected him to Indinan State Police! |
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| rav6661/31/2001
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I found this post on the Rants & Raves section, in response to the Khalistan article. Best Surd joke that I'd heard in a while: ******************* This reminds of the time soon after the Khalistan demand flopped and fizzled out thanks to the efforts of the brave Sardar KPS Gill. The stalwarts of sikhdom were invited to a specially called symposium in Bhatinda to analyse reasons for failure and discuss and debate new strategies for success. After lots of beer-sheer was drunk and chicken-shikan partaken over what proved to be undulating days of namecalling, finger-pointing and highly complex and not-so-subtle references to mothers and sisters of various luminaries (with special singling out of the old fart Khushwant and the supercop), one smart surd got up to tentatively offer his prognosis. "I think I have cracked it," he said. "O my brave brothers, just look at recent history post-World War II. What do ye find? Which are the economies that have prospered?" he asked. "Germany and Japan. And why? Let me tell you." There was hushed silence as the sikh sangat silently listened. They both first took panga with Amrika. They declared war on Amrika. And then Amrika fucked them royally. They both lost the war." There was silence. "But then," the wily whiz went on, "followed aids-shades, what all they gave those sale Japani and Germans. That's how they have become a success." The point went home. Immediate resolutions were passed to prepare to attack Amrika and lose, and then just wait for aid-shade (known as The Bhatinda Plan For Success), ratified and approved. And then there was jubilation. Absolute chaos. Bhangra-shangra was done, kukad-shukads were paRoed, Nabha-Patialas (a measure of whiskey) were drunk. Amidst all this revelry, they found Sardar Talwandi standing far from the madding crowd, deep in thought, frowning. "What's the matter now?" the whiz kid asked. "Haven't we cracked it? Don't we have the Bhatinda Plan For Success?" "Kaka, I was thinking," Sardar Longowal managed to mutter, "Bhenchod, what if we win?" |
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| Atilla1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 248 of 265
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Women are the best goalkeepers in the world. Wanna know why? No matter, which ever way you fuck them....with them on top or bottom from behind, lying, standing or doggy. You would never be able to get your BALLS in. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Letter from surd mom to him ... Pyaarey puttar, Vahe Guru. I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn ' t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love Mom. P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. Regards, Alnoor. |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava THE NEW PRIEST A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
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| jwala1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 251 of 265
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job. "So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" (You'll love the punch line....) God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves |
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| gandalf1/31/2001
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HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? |
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| gandalf1/31/2001
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George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) ondi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? |
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| Tathagat1/31/2001
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appa DeepO bhava Friar Fruck Karaa_pal, the bajarangii missionary, is in Africa looking for a few Hindu converts. He is marching across the plains with his trident and Holy Bunch of Thought... in hand, when suddenly he comes face to face with a huge, ferocious lion. Friar Fruck krappy krap_all's eyes roll to the back of his head, and he drops to his knees in a near-faint . "Beloved God Almighty Bajrang Balii, King of Kings, all-knowing, all-seeing Father of the world," pleads Friar Fruck kara_pal, praying feverishly, "save my blessed ass!" The lion watches the bajrangii closely, and then he bows his own head, crosses his paws, and murmurs in a soft growl, "Beloved God Almighty, King of beasts and Lord of the jungle, please bless this poor food I am about to eat!" |
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| dollar1/31/2001 12:16:45 AM ( 255 of 265 ) |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 256 of 265
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Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff. But the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?" |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 257 of 265
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Driving Styles One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window - Sydney One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn - Japan One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelator - Boston Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one ear listening to loud music, foot on accelerator, eyes on female pedestrians, conversation with someone in next car - Yeh hai India Mere Jaan |
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| Shoki1/31/2001
12:16:45 AM ( 258 of 265
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Husband: "I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day." Wife: " I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday." |
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| Antrax1/31/2001
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Q: What did Stayfree tell to condom? A: Boss if you fail, both of us will be out of business for next 9 months. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans
life?
Q: Who is a gynaecolgist ?
Q: Why men doesn't make shhh..kindda of a sound
while pissing ,like women?
Airtel boy asked Spice Girl: what is ur speciality?
Antrax1/31/2001
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Santa reads a poster outside a pol ce station "wanted for rape and murder cases." He goes in and says, "Sir I want to apply for the job on the poster !!!" Antrax1/31/2001
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The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams. One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!". Antrax1/31/2001
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A sardar boy beaten on the ass by his teacher, goes home, looks at his back in the mirror and says: "Saale ne maar maar ke doh tukde kar diye!!' Antrax1/31/2001
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A foreign tourist spots a sexy eunuch while walking down Malabar Hills and asks:"R u a Prostitute?" The eunuch replies: "No, I am a substitute." Antrax1/31/2001
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Doctor to his lady patient:' U look so weak and exausted! Are u having ur meals three times a day as I had advised? Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day!! |
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